'I just want to stay home and write', has become my motto in life this semester.

Saw this on tumblr and just had to put it on this blog.

Can we just...

Sometimes it feels like life has lost all it's substance.
I know why
but it's hard...



I've been thinking about my future A LOT today.

Will my future goals make me feel like an adult?

I spoke to my friend about the sub-topic of yesterday's topic about how living with your parents makes you feel more like a kid. Turns out, I'm not the only one that feels this way. My friend lives with her parents too and all her siblings and like me, she feels like a kid and knows she wouldn't feel that way if she lived by herself. We both can't wait to graduate and start our careers but it is super super hard in this country to get your own place once you've graduated (it's hard to do anything once you've graduated). I will graduating later than most of my peers since I'm going to Korea for a year next year, so that day of possibly living by myself is even farther away.

I not so long ago, researched the topic of how one can get themselves a house after they graduate and I came across a thread on The Student Room and the basic answer is that if you want to get yourself a house/flat or rent somewhere, you need to have a lot of savings or you need to stay at home with your parents, get yourself a salary job and save up as much as you can with the money from your salary job and then you can think about getting yourself a place and that's with the way the market is right now. Things will no doubt change and most likely get harder.

Well, looking into the future, my goal is that once I graduate I want to get a English-teaching job in a public school in Korea as soon as possible. The ideal situation would be that it'd be so soon when I manage to get a job that I'd probably be in Korea when it comes to my graduation ceremony (haha too bad ~ but everyone'll know that I've already made it).

I don't know if this'll change by the time it's significant for me but the way it's been in Korea for I don't know how long is that when you get a job at a public school, that school pay's for your house and your furniture. Which is freaking awesome! So that would be my ideal situation: to move to Korea to be a teacher as soon as I'm done with uni and have my own little place high up in Seoul that I can finally call my own, buy my own food, etc. and finally be able to call myself an adult.

Heck, I'll probably never be able to call myself an adult.

Growing up hurts.

Warning: possible controversial opinions
I've been feeling really kind of down lately (lately as in quite a few weeks now) most of the time I can't really find a reason but I do have some reasons, I guess. It's just that those reasons shouldn't make me feel like this 24/7. Yes, 24/7, it's gotten to point that every night I have nightmares. I have to pray diligently every night before I go to sleep that I won't have any nightmares. Since starting uni in October my stress has gradually gotten higher and higher and unbearably higher. It's really taking it's toll and I think that may be the main reason for my nightmares, just the stress and worries of what's going on in my life and what's going on with me.

The problems that I think about the most are:

• The transition from being a child to an adult and
• Day to day talking to people who don't have Christ in their lives and feeling so sad about it.

Yeah, these are actual problems that I have and they are big ones.

The first being the transition is the one I think about the most. Now that I'm in my second year of uni, my course requires me to have quite a huge level of responsibility and to be very honest: it freaks me out. I've never had so much responsibility thrust upon me like this. And you may brush it off and say I'm just a little kid or I'm acting like a kid or whatever but yeah, I'm admitting it. I am a little kid. I don't want to completely blame my parents for how they've raised me but the situation is that that is the situation. There's nothing I can do about it. This is who I am. Most people in my class are older than me, some are younger or the same age but I'm telling you, none of these people seem to be having the slightest problem with this sudden responsibility. I've spoken to my close friend about this who is the same age as me and she doesn't seem to understand how I feel, either. I mean, it's not like I'm running around complaining to everyone who'll listen about this, I am just getting on with and doing what I have to do, so it could be that other's feel the same and are hiding it as I am. But it's hard.

I am basically responsible for someone else's ability to speak English and their experience they have with me and my peers/colleagues will affect them for the rest of their lives. It's a big deal and it's so sudden. But please don't get me wrong because I'm not saying I don't want to do this. That's the whole point. This is life. We all have to grow up at some point. And I want to grow up but it's really surprisingly hard for me. This whole situation is that I can't just think about myself and the conventional student life of getting my own work in on time but I have to think about others that are dependent on me to teach them and give them something that will help them throughout their life if they take it. 

I'm not one to complain, that's why no one in my life knows about this apart from my very close friend. It even feels weird writing it here and telling you and you probably can't even relate to this but...

Just fyi, I live with my parents and it was not long ago that my parents went away for the weekend. They left with my telling them, "I'm just a child." Anyway, when they were gone, I'm telling you I've never felt more like an adult. The adult that I wanted to be. I was left with my two-years-younger sister in the house for two days and while she did nothing, I tidied the house like never before for those two days; I kept it clean and you know, just normal house work and I wasn't asked by parents to do any of it. It felt good. I finally felt like a proper adult for the first time. My parents came home to a clean home and that very same day they did come home they messed everything up and made a lot of noise and my frequent cleaning dwindled down by demotivation. I felt like a child again.

Everyone one of my peers that are doing the exact same work I do are living away from their parents, far away. Multiple 10s of miles away and then there's me. I knew living at home while going to uni would have an affect on me like this but  I never realised how much until now. Until I looked at my younger peers that seem older than me and I see crystal clear the affects of living with your parents. From that weekend, I know that if I was living by myself I would morph into the adult I want to be straight away. The responsibility at uni would not be fun but at least I would fee like I have the right to that responsibility. Teaching people older than me is just... really weird. I have this fear that they'd find out my (and my peer's) real positions and they'd lose their respect. 

I think about living by myself a lot (no roommates, no one). I know it'll be really hard to be able to afford that opportunity and I won't be able to do that until 2016 but I look forward to it. I really do.

All I know is that I am a child inside and I need to grow up fast. I want to. But it's hard when no one understands what I'm going through. It might be smooth sailing for some people but for me, growing up hurts.

In terms of my other problem. I think I'll leave that one for another post...

Shall I start blogging again?

I really want to start blogging again. I remember when I started uni, I was so excited to just blog about my time there and all my experiences and stuff and my blog eventually became of more mixed content (like drama reviews etc.) and I eventually just stopped.

It's not like I didn't have ideas on what to blog about, it's just sometimes I wonder if I really should put my thoughts out on the internet like this. I have these thoughts that my readers might think I'm depressed or my opinions might be controversial or... whatever but I think it's good to have a place you can share your thoughts especially as I feel a lot that I do have quite a bit to say but I don't have the right people in my life to say it to.

It's hard for me to keep a blog up but... I guess I'll try because I want to.

Well, here's my first post I guess. :)